Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
look scared
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Too easy.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
