Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
🤣
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right