Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
