Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Wolves should really raise more people.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
I fixed it. For me
