She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
im gay on my mothers side
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
