It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.