Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti