A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again