Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
same but as an audience member
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
