My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
It’s on my to-do list.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable