I disagree with my politics
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with