I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready