A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in
Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
Text: can I talk to you about something?
Me: throws phone in ocean
see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.