a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
