Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Not with that attitude
This seems like peak sibling energy
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
