I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
It’s on my to-do list.
