i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
im gay on my mothers side
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box