This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If my kids invented a drink.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax