Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
I’m never leaving this app.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*