Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
