My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”