Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
thinking about this
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .