wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I need to sieze this.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.