If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
It’s on my to-do list.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
