Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.