If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck