I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I think this might be relevant today.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he