flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Me when I’m ovulating
watching gymnastics
me in a relationship:
when unicorns get really drunk
