What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower