My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
