Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Alexa turn off the planet
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.