I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
I put the I in Insufferable.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to