I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.