Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”