a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If my kids invented a drink.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
