“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Lmao
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
