Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
