[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
