Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.