I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
LOL
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.