Ancient Romans: uh oh there鈥檚 someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn鈥檛 wake me, I鈥檓 definitely dead.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 馃檨
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I鈥檓 a farmer now
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter鈥檚 friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn鈥檛 opened. Now she鈥檚 moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn鈥檛 opened. I鈥檓 not really sure how I feel about it.
can鈥檛 get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
