Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
LOL
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.