the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
by any beans necessary
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.