A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes