is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”