When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
grandpa was shocked
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
