Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high