People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
