Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
rest in peas
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”