swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I disagree with my politics
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.